Friday 8 March

We’re not naming it this year. Because, like a lot of women we know, we’re furious.

On Friday 8 March, if we haven’t earned the right yet to say what we think (never mind “no, thank you”), what’s been the point?

Some of our friends and warrioresses are having a rest day today. Or a lie down. On purpose. We applaud you.

When I speak with our Mentrix community, one of the key themes that comes through about mid-life (never mind menopause, the lack of sleep, hideous symptoms, brain fog, lack of confidence, barriers to support, relationship difficulties, access to GPs, absence of quality leadership at work) is the ‘everything else’ stuff.

You know… the not-paid-for, unpromotable work, child or parental caring responsibilities, “would you just”, “can I ask you a favour?”, “so-and-so is on holiday/off sick, so could you just…”.  Busy, urgent (for them), incoming (and not in a good way) requests.

ESPECIALLY, I’m now converted to consider, if it’s on and around Friday 8 March.

The grain in my oystershell is where women don’t feel they’re able to say no to this stuff. Or don’t even know or consider it as an option.

I’m not saying that as a criticism of them – the problem isn’t ‘the women’ – not at all.  It’s socio-cultural.  Mothers often engender this stereotype, from which women can find it very difficult to deviate. A situation that many sons and men are equally conditioned not to recognise. Families divide for less.

This is about boundaries.  I’ve a bee in my bonnet, therefore, about boundaries. I’ll say it again – BOUNDARIES.

Getting clear about where yours lie is KEY to solving this guilt-do it-exhaustion-rage cycle.

Boundaries are about VALUES.  They’re based on BELIEFS.

What is it you believe that means you feel you have no choice?

What would it mean to you if you didn’t follow the pattern you’ve been following for years?

What usually happens?

Depending on your reactivity level that could be a bit of a heart-sink you feel, an irritation, a ‘for goodness’ sake, me again?’, to ‘What the actual…(insert your favourite expletive).

For example: So many women I speak to seem to do far more than their fair share of parental support or care.

Do they have siblings?  Yes. Especially, but not exclusively, brothers. Not that having sisters necessarily changes the answer. I know I’m generalising. But I have now lost count of these conversations I’ve been part of with friends, colleagues and coaches.

However, although I think the issue is often systemic in an organisation, and/or socio-cultural elsewhere, in families and other communities, it doesn’t mean that we can’t do anything about it.

Boundaries upheld only disadvantage those who benefited from us not upholding them previously.

So what can we do?

When you’re asked to do something and you don’t really want to, what goes through your mind?

• I really don’t want to do that but I’m expected to
• I can’t really say no, can I?
• What will they think if I say no?
• I really don’t want to let x down?
• Enter your mind-worm of choice here!

That, my friend, is your belief. Not necessarily fact.

A few comments on the above bullets include, in order:

• Is that true, or is it really your choice? Is it your job? Are you being paid to do that? Do you want to, willingly?
• Yes, you can. Come and learn how.
• What they think is their business
• How your friend/family member/colleague feels is none of your responsibility.

PS, if you do say no, please don’t spend the next 3 hours explaining why or telling others how guilty you feel.  It’s ok. Remember: the only people who will be really indignant about your decision are those who benefited from your previous unwilling or willing compliance.

So, Sarah and I are NOT holding a webinar, free consultation, complimentary offer today.

We’d love to talk about all the above, however, at our next gathering on Zoom. Feel free to say No! If you’re interested, click here and grab your link. Thank you for reading me.

Have a wonderful day, whatever you decide to do.